Divine Intervention

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch, and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Gun Commandments

If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it, THEN you will appreciate this:

A. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.

B. It's always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C. Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D. Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arms length.

E. Never say "I've got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F. The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G. The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win - cheat if necessary.

H. Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, because it'll be empty.

I. If you're in a gun fight:

· And you're not shooting, you should be loading.
· And you're not loading, you should be moving.
· And you're not movin', you're dead.

J. In a life and death situation, do something....It may be wrong, but do something!

K. If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L. You can say "stop" or "alto" or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language.

M. You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

Southern Cops Have A Way With Words

Comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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