|
New Language In California
The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, perhaps even better, "Austrionics".) In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped infavour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always bena deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Birthday
Two weeks ago was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, the Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch." I said, "Wow, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake-followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there--- on the couch--- naked.
Ban Doctors
a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Guns:
a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "guns don't kill people, doctors do"
The main reasons why God created Eve
God was worried that Adam would become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out, and would need Eve to make sure he was decent.
God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote control.
God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist, or haircut appointment by himself.
God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out by the curb.
God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
God knew Adam had to do his job as the Keeper of the Garden, and would need Eve to remind him where he left his tools.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
And the main reason why God created Eve...
When God finished creating Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
|
|
