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Grounding Saddam
Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!
How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So ... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? Most mothers would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?
Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole darn summer. Inspectors my FOOT... You want the job done? Call a mother!!
Adam and Eve
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
The Island
This guy had been ship wrecked on a deserted island for over 11 years. One day as he was walking down the beach he thought he saw someone. He wasn't sure, but as he got closer he realized that it was a woman. A beautiful woman wearing a zippered jump suit. He was shocked! As he approached he called out to her, and asked how she got there. She stated that she had been shipwrecked. He couldn't believe his luck. She unzipped a front pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. She asked "How long has it been since you had one of these?" And offered him one. Then she asked if he was was thirsty. He said sure. So she unzipped the right pocket zipper and pulled out 2 drinks. By now this guy was really excited. This was great! Then she asked if he was hungry. He said "you Bet!" And from the left zipper pocket she pulled out 2 cheeseburgers. Then as she slowly started unzipping a long zipper down the side of her jump suit, she asked" And how long has it been since you played around?" Well this was almost too much! He got kind of flustered and started stuttering. He started to mumble a response and she pulled out a bag of golf clubs........
What has been said about France. http://www.francestinks.com/Fdontbuy.htm
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --- Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ----Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people ---Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the German out of France!" ---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." ---David Letterman
"Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France!!" ----Jennifer Bowman.
EVER WONDER...
.why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
.why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
.why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
.why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.why doctors call what they do "practice"?
.why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
.why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
.why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
.why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
.who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
.why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
.why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
.why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
.why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
.why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
.if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
.why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
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