Stupid labels
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

The Price of Gas
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...$10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ...$10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...$33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ...$178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...$123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ...$25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ...$84.48 per gallon
and this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ...$21.19 per gallon.
At $21.19 a gallon for water, the price of  gas looks good!

Kids play
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."