Not an Early Riser
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff...."
Outrun the Sun
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
It's a Slicer
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time, then said, "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Dumb as a Box of Rocks
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?" asked Pelosi.
"Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Licenses Tell All
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."