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Uplifting treatment
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for his extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people. A little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this, rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in nearly bent in half and now you're walking upright! What did the doctor do?"
"He gave me a longer cane."
Out shopping
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 years. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
Just rewards
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son...do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
A woman's way
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson." And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
A fact of life
A guy walks into a bar & sees President Bush and Rumsfeld and asks the barman if it's really them.
"Yep, that's them," the bartender says."
The guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Rumsfeld says, "We're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?
Rumsfeld turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you, no one will give a hoot about the 140 million Muslims"
Female sexual predators
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local bars to be alert and stay cautious.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available everywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate males are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Football quiz
1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?......... Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? ......... A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?......... Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?......... Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend? ........ There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?......... Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?......... His freshman year.
(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?......... None -- that's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?........ Baton Rouge, Louisiana . He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?......... You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
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