Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house......... and left it there all night.
Praise the Lord!
There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer comes to the church building for a test ride. "Before you start" the preacher says," you should know that this horse only responds to church talk since he has always just been around me. "All you need to know is 2 commands. 'Go' is "Praise the Lord" and when you want him to 'Stop' say, "Amen." So the man decides to buy the horse and is soon on his way. Once he gets on the horse, he says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man thought this was just wonderful but after awhile he wanted to go a little faster. So once again, he says to the horse, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to really gallop now. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells out, "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. Whew!! The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says: "Praise the Lord!"
The advantage of age.
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Miss. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Miss. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Miss. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"
Swedish survival tip
Sven and Olie went hunting deep into the woods. The sun was setting when they suddenly realized they were lost. Sven: "Olie! Vhat should ve do? Ve are lost!!" Olie: "Sven, don't panic! I tink if ve shoot tree times into da air, someone vill come. So they each shot three times into the air. After waiting an hour, Sven said, "Olie! I don't tink it worked! Nobody has come to rescue us!" Olie replied, "Sven, don't worry, ve vill try again. Shoot tree more times in da air." So they shot into the air again. After another hour, Sven said, "Olie, I don't tink it's vorking! I tink ve vill die out here!" Olie replied, "Sven, don't give up! Ve vill shoot in da air again, okay?" At which Sven replied, "Olie, I can't! I haf no more arrows!"
A woman's logic
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face. "Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks. "Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor. "What is it Doc?" asks Albert. "I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say." Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor, "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it". "Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud." "Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert. "No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."