The battle of the sexes

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?  45lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $5 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?  The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?  The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have women and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?  A golden retriever.
What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?  Two mothers-in-law.
How many men does it take to open a beer?  None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?  Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door which do you let in first?  The dog, of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?  A woman that won't do what she's told.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.  It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:  Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. 
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"  I  said,  "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.  Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.  Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,  "I haven't eaten anything in four days."  She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"    Dad:  "That happens in every country. son."

Did you know?

Did you know?... No piece of square dry paper can be folded in half more than 7 times
Did you know?... The people who make school kitchens, also make electric chairs.
Did you know?... The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
Did you know?... "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Did you know?... The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
Did you know?... 1 in every 200 people are a psychopath and they look just like everyone else......
Did you know?... An average human loses about 200 head hairs per day.
Did you know?... All the chemicals in the human body have a combined value of approximately $7
Did you know?... In Alaska, it is legal to shoot bears. However, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
Did you know?... You are most likely to be murdered or raped by a family member or a close friend (98% of all murders). Whereas being murdered by a deranged lunatic down a dark alley is very rare.
Did you know?... Bill Gates has enough money to buy every house in Alaska.
Did you know?... Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year
Did you know?... It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open? Next time you feel a sneeze coming try it!
Did you know?... The expression "to get fired" comes from long ago. When clans wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down.
Did you know?... Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". In English this means 'The City of Angels'
Did you know?... In France, a five year old child can buy an alcoholic drink in a bar.

Everyone loves the French

A guy from Paris and a guy from London are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Frenchman says, "I want a wall around Paris to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."  "It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"  The guy from England smiles and says, "Fill it with water."