Sisters...

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house togther. One night, the 96 year old drew a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listeningto her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I Sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." (As she knocks the wooden kitchen table with her knuckles.) She then yells, "I'll come up and help the both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Destroying the World

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.

"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard. But no Ark.

"Noah!" he roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?!"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguin with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

"They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a conplaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigrations and Naturalization are checking the greencard status of most of the people who want to work.

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assests, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord, "the government has beat me to it!"

Headlines from Year 2029

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran Still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Shape Up

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I decided to join a fitness club to start exercising in a class.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour.

By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over...

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