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Wartime Confessions
An old Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to his local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man asked, "Father... during World War 2, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess that."
"It's worst than that Father.
She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act in that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that my son?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Confessions Of An Irish Boy
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 7 days since my last confession and I've been with a woman of loose morals."
The priest asks, "Is that you, Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now! Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say," Timmy replied.
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please Father, I cannot tell you."
"The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend church or Mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Timmy walked back to his pew.
His friend Sean, slides over and whispered, "What did you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
One liners
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tennessee ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this....
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Blonde's Year in Review
January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..
Helllloooo!!!... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March: Got really excited - finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...Box said "2-4 years!"
April: Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June: Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September: The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???
October: Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December: Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
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