by Jennifer Bowman
Two thousand and four. MMIV. The year of the monkey! Many of you are planning to lose that extra ten pounds - right after that you polish off that sinister-looking leftover chocolate cake from Christmas.
The following year is looking way more positive than last. We have Saddam Hussein in custody, and the Democratic candidates are so ill fated that President Bush doesn't have to worry about moving expenses until 2008. SARS, Monkey Pox and anthrax seem to be under control, and we have lots of celebrity convicts to keep us entertained.
My predictions for 2004 are good. I think they will find Osama bin Laden, and he will have a circumstance similar to Saddam's.
Scott Peterson will be found guilty, but Michael Jackson and Kobe Bryant will not be.
God will NOT be taken out of the pledge, Declaration of Independence, money, or anything else, but then we will proceed to legalize gay marriage. A twist of irony, huh? The world might end, but trust me; it will not be because President Bush freed . . . er, "invaded" Iraq. Of course, since Canada will probably legalize marijuana, it could be that they'll all be too stoned to run a government or be capable of rational thought.
Depending on who wins the presidency next year, partial-birth abortion will either be completely outlawed or accepted and encouraged. The economy and job rates will continue to rise, and Democrats will still complain that it's not good enough. Disney will continue making horrible sequels to classic movies and ruining them with Phil Collins songs. I doubt any good movies will come out next year except for Shrek 2 and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Major corporations will sue Kazaa next year. However, computer geeks will still find ways to provide free music to kids who gave them wedgies in fifth grade. We will prevail!
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