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New Dictionary
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one. I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary.
Bright Insects
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
Life Before Computers
- Memory was something you lost with age.
- An application was for employment.
- A program was a TV show.
- A cursor used profanity.
- A keyboard was a piano.
- A web was a spider's home.
- A virus was the flu.
- A CD was a bank account.
- A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
- A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And... if you had a three inch floppy, you just hoped nobody ever found out!
Today's Fairy Tales
A young girl asked her father, "Do all fairy tales begin with, Once upon a time?" "No," he replied. "A whole lot of them begin with If elected, I promise..."
Funny Bumper Sticker
While heading home from a weekend trip in Pigeon Forge, we got caught up in slow moving traffic. While sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, we noticed a car in front of us that had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8" My husband's Bible was lying on the dash board and he got it and opened it up to the scripture and read it. He started laughing out loud and then he read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh, too..
Psalm 109:8: "Let his days be few; and let another take his office. "
Good-bye Mom
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good-bye, mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "That can't be right... I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Drop Dead
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the ace of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks, "What do you want?" Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
The Buffalo Theory
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!
Confessional
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies, "Get out. You're in my side."
Mirror
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's darn near perfect."
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