As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"
A woman took a very limp duck into the vet's surgery. As she laid her pet gently onto the treatment table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm sorry but your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner cried "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure, the duck is dead" he replied. "How can you be so sure" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any tests on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put his front paws on the treatment table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. The dog looked at the vet with big sad eyes, and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out of the room.
He returned a few moments later with a cat, which jumped up onto the treatment table. The cat sniffed the duck from top to tail, sat back on its haunches, shook its head and meowed softly. The cat jumped down from the table and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." He then turned to his PC and hitting a few keys, produced the woman's bill. "$150," she screamed. "$150 to tell me my duck's dead?" The vet shrugged "I'm sorry, if you had taken my word for it the bill would have only been $20. But what with the lab report and the cat scan, it all adds up.
Kiss the Cabbie
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
"I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number 1, you have to be single and Number 2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "Ok," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's ok. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was, maybe, 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of "tea" and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of "tea," because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then, she says, (as only a mother would know...) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"