Hell's in Bad Shape
There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the Devil's side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up around it, etc. So, God hollers over the fence, "Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side of the fence?" Satan hollers back, "Why don't you mind your own business?" So God says, "I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't." The Devil replies, "yeah right, where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Thoughts on Aging
Maybe its true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
On the listening tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him. He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it. "Mostly Baloney," said the proprietor.
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Effective February 1st....
The California Highway Patrol and the California
Department of Fish and Game will be merged to form the new California
Department of Fish and CHiPs.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now, " he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
Take The Bait
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a largemouth bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Little Johnny's Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes, " he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three." "Four, " answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says little Johnny.
The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase. As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked. "No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"