Old story but still good.
A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the
exotica, she notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner. The woman gives the shop-owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As she walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little faster. Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot
toward the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands maybe millions- -and they are all squealing and coming toward her faster and faster. Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the woman, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of California asked whether people think illegal immigration is a serious problem.
Results as follows -
35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said," Master may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant , unworthy son of a dog! Don't you know who I am? I need
no common woman giving me anything!" Osama barked.
"Please ,sir, I must grant you one wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever!" the genie begged.
Osama thought for a moment about the impertinence of the woman then
said, " Very well, I want to awaken with 3 American women in my bed in
the morning! So just do it and off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding
and Hillary Clinton. He had nothing to pee with, his knees were broken and he
had no health insurance!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one
who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one
who can find such a man.
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a
$20 item that she doesn't need.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of liberals came racing by. They were going too fast for the curve and
turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car. "Yep" replied the farmer. "Where are they?" asked the sheriff. "Over there," replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt. "You buried them?" asked the Sheriff, "Were they still alive?" Replied the farmer, "They said they were, but
you can't believe anything they say."
There was this little boy, who always wanted to be a fireman. He would constantly dream of one day driving the fire truck and blowing the siren.
One day, while he was dreaming, he couldn't wait until he grew up. He took his wagon and put 2 ladders down the sides and got his dog "Spot" to pull him while he sat in it.
He was so proud of his new fire truck, he decided to go by the fire station and show it off to the fireman.
While he was riding by real slow, so to get noticed, one of the fireman saw him and came out to the sidewalk to talk to the little boy.
"Hey! there sonny, what ya got there" the fireman said.
"My new fire truck" the kid answered.
"Sure, is a fine truck" does it go fast?, said the fireman.
"No sir" I don't know why it goes so slow said the boy.
The fireman started to examine the wagon, and noticed that the little boy had a rope tied around the dogs gonads.
The fireman kind of chuckled to himself and said to the boy, "Son, I believe if you would tie that rope around the dogs neck, he would go
a little faster.
The little boy said "yes sir, you are right, but I wouldn't have a siren then.....