by J. B. Griffin III.

Congratulations to fellow columnist Joe Kirkpatrick on the recent article in The Chattanooga Times Free-Press spotlighting his Volkswagen shop, Tri-State Imports.  I must confess  that I did not realize he had such a long love affair with "the Bug."  I must also admit that during my

twenty-five or so years in the business I have been asked many times to perform some service or another on one of these  critters, but have always managed to escape by either jumping out a back window of the shop or by crawling into the storm drain or, when all avenues of escape were cut off, by just standing motionless in  the darkness of the broom-closet until the customer left.  OK, there was that one time I gave a lady a boost just to enable her to drive away,  but that doesn't really count, does it?

It's not that I don't like the Bug - I do!  The problem is that no tool you or I own will fit the things.  They are  sort of like an MG in that regard.    In addition to that,  no procedure or standard automotive repair technique that you may be  acquainted with will do you one bit of good

when faced with a Bug.  It's  sort of the same kind of car you would expect to encounter if it were built by Sears and Roebuck and marketed under the Kenmore nameplate.

Exhibit A:  All cars have  windshield washer systems.  Regular cars all use an electric pump  to pressurize and pump the fluid.  The

Volkswagen "engineers" devised an ingenious way which required no electricity.  They used the air in the  spare tire as an aerosol propellant for the washer fluid.  In this manner  you could motor your way across the country spritzing your windshield periodically and enjoying a sparkling view while simultaneously severing  your lifeline  to civilization forty miles from the nearest exit.

Exhibit B:  It's great to travel in winter in  the comforts of a warm car.  Especially when you consider that heat is a free by-product of combustion.  Most cars circulate coolant  through

the engine block to carry away the heat to the radiator and the heater core.  Since the VW Beetles and vans had air cooled  engines there had to be an alternative to free heat.  There was.  The gasoline heater.  That's right, scorching hot gasoline burning  brightly inside your vehicle while you navigate the hazards of the  highway.  Just to re-acquaint myself with the VW gasoline heater I did a  little research on the web and ran across a site dedicated to offering advice  to Volkswagen enthusiasts.  Here, copied directly from the site: http://type2.com, is a gem of wisdom that  immediately caught my eye, "Before we proceed I'd like to offer a few words of  advice concerning gasoline heaters.

THEY ARE VERY DANGEROUS AND CAN BURN  YOUR VAN WITH YOU IN IT TO THE GROUND IN A MATTER OF MINUTES." 

Enough said.

Of course, all that I have written here is  in fun.  The Beetle is an icon in our society,  representative of many things, and is woven into the fabric of the  past.  What was first known as "Hitler's Revenge" became an American symbol of frugality in cost of maintenance and miles per  gallon.  An almost powerless 40 horsepower engine propelled vanloads of  hippies at light-speed through the most violent period of our history since  the Civil War.  And while Neil Armstrong was stepping onto the surface  of the moon millions were laughing at an endless stream of circus clowns  pouring out of a Volkswagen.

JB Griffin is an ASE Certified Master Technician.  He owns and  operates JB's Japanese and American Auto Repair in Evensville, Tennessee.  You may e-mail your car questions to jeepster1515@yahoo.com
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