First Football Game
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Two old guys were chatting... One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV." Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" First guy: "Yup!!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... Celebrate!"
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Four Horse." The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
Before It Starts
This guy comes home from an exhausting day at work and plops down on the couch in front of the television. "Quick, get me a beer before it starts," he says to his wife. His wife sighs and gets him a beer. "Quick," he says fifteen minutes later, "get me another beer before it starts." She looks angry, fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer. "Hey, get me another beer. It's going to start any minute." She marches out, grabs a beer, and throws it at him. "Hey, hurry," he says five minutes later. "Get me another beer. It's gonna start now." His wife is furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight?" she yells at him. "Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, idiot!" The man sighs. "It's started..."
That's How the Fight Started
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"