Do not talk to my parrot!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
Men just don't listen!
Just like kids
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of .... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .... how ?
6. Don't bite the hand that .... looks dirty.
7. No news is.... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust .... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .... pigs.
13. An idle mind is..... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .... get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind .... get out of the way.
25. Better late than .... pregnant.
Alan had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Northern Michigan as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, there's a knock on his door. He opens it and this burly, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Alan, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... Be some drinking'."
"Not a problem" says Alan. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em"
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with most people... I'll be all right. I'll be there... Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Alan, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for the last six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
An old wrinkly joke
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Moral of the story: Don't mess with old ladies.