The Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. You look terrible. What happened?"
"What do you mean?" replies the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm perfectly fine now."
"That's good," says the bartender, "but what about that hook? What the heck happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a big sword fight. My hand was cut off so I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"Well, what about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them birds used the bathroom right in my eye!"
"You're kidding," says the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird droppings, can you?"
"It was my first day with the hook."

Lottery

A woman gets  home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams  the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,  "Honey, pack your bags. I won the  lottery!" The husband says, ''Oh, this is great! What should I  pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Everything," she says. "Just get  out."

Did you know

Did you know?...It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Did you know?... Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Did you know?...In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Did you know?...If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
Did you know?...Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
Did you know?...More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Did you know?...The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
Did you know?...The Eiffel Tower in Paris weighs over 1000 elephants.
Did you know?... In 1879, a mail service in Belgium employed 37 cats to carry bundles of letters to villages around the town of Liege, this experiment was shorted-lived as the cats proved thoroughly undisciplined.
Did you know?...Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.
Did you know?... Every 5 seconds a computer gets infected with a virus
Did you know?...The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
Did you know?...If you could count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute, divide by 2, add 9 and divide by 2 again, you would have the correct temperature in Celsius degrees... How do they know that?
Did you know?...Fish that live more than 800 meters below the ocean surface don't have eyes. Eeewwwwww
Did you know?... Hydrogen is an explosive gas. Oxygen supports combustion. Yet when these are combined it is water which is used to put out fires.
Did you know?...Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the famous Disney logo.
Did you know?...Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. Go on, try it then.
Did you know?...Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Did you know?...Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
Did you know?...In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Did you know?...If a statue in the park of a person on a horse with both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Did you know?...Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Did you know?...The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
Did you know?...101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die during the movie.
Did you know?... In York, England, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow (except on Sundays).