Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing."
A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old woman in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Never Lie To A Woman
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did, they're in your tackle box."
Never lie to a woman!
Things You Should Know But Probably Don't
- The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.
- 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. Computer error of course.
- On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily!
- There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
- There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
- If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
- Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
The Winning Question
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire ?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it: A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer and she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her audience poll lifeline. All that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because... her friend was, well--blonde. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.' The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her.
And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Meredith. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.' 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes, that is my final answer.' Two minutes later, Meredith said, 'That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!' Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde.. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Is My Time Up
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked,' Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and
killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?'
God replied, 'Giiirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you.'