A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."
Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Poles objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"
Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said:
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... And how many want out."
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry
the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came
to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Nine months later a baby was born. When the man visited the hospital nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic baby you can imagine. The husband rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of his wife and himself.
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day, when there's a knock at the door.
Standing in Nelsons doorway is a small Japanese man, dressed in a white coat and holding a clipboard.
"Good morning Sir" says the man, "You take derivery of two thousand front headrights"
"Two thousand front headlights?" exclaims Nelson, "I haven't ordered headlights, you must have the wrong address, now good day to you". And he shuts the door.
The following morning, Nelson hears the door bell ring. He opens the door, and again there is the small Japanese chap, white coat and clipboard.
"You take derivery of 124 pair rinscreen riper" Says the man.
"Windscreen wipers? I haven't ordered windscreen wipers, now be off! "And he slams the door.
Saturday morning arrives and Nelson is just sitting down with his coffee and the newspaper, when there's a knock at the door. Again, standing in the doorway is the Japanese man.
Looking down at his clipboard he says "You take derivery of 600 spark prugs"
"Now listen to me" screams a very irate Nelson. "I don't know what's going on here, but let me make this perfectly clear, I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY CAR PARTS, NOW GO AWAY!!"
The bewildered Japanese man looks hard at his clipboard and then says,
"So you not Nissan Main dealer?"