by Joe Kirkpatrick

Several years ago, I was appalled when a group of women from several local churches tried to ban Halloween in our fair city. They claimed Halloween was demonic, and our children did not need to be exposed to it. You know what I thought about this? I thought these women were a bunch of hypocrites!

Think about what Halloween is: You fix yourself up so you don't look like you usually do, and then you go and beg for stuff. Duh! Any man who has ever lived with a woman for any length of time knows that a woman does that every day. In fact, you go to bed and your wife is really looking good. Then, evidently at some point afterwards, she washes off all that paint and body putty. You then wake up the next morning and look at someone with a face like Freddy Krueger. Talk about Halloween!

But, unfortunately, it doesn't stop there. When a woman fixes herself up "extra special" for you, the "Trick or Treat" part of Halloween is about to begin. When she begins to act out of character, like acting all affectionate and nice toward you, and maybe even fixing your favorite supper, you better watch out! You're not sure what is coming, but you know it's going to be something like "I need money for shopping," to "I really would like a new car."

All of us guys know if you don't give her the treat she's asked for, "tricks" are going to be a big part of your near future!

Speaking of shopping, I'm usually pretty good at analyzing the actions of people, but I missed this one. I have to credit my good friend Bob George for figuring out women and shopping. Bob told me one day, "You know, women don't go shopping to spend money - they go shopping to save money." He's right! Instantly, I remembered how every time my wife comes from shopping, it's always "Look what I bought - all of this was marked down 50% or more."
After Bob enlightened me about this, I went through the women's department at Belk's and found out the management there had evidently already figured out what Bob told me - because virtually everything in the women's department was on sale!

I was on the board of a foundation that operated a thrift store, and I learned even more about the shopping habits of women. Did you know over 80% of donations to a thrift store are good used, and sometimes, even new women's clothing? Why?

"Well, I wore it to church one time and didn't realize Mary had the same outfit - I was so embarrassed!" Or, "It was a little tight when I bought it but I thought I would lose some weight."

Every thrift store in town gets $1000's of women's clothes donated every single week. Why do they not get many men's clothes donated? First off, we don't care how many other men have the exact outfit we do. In fact, we brag about it. Secondly, if we have something that is comfortable, we don't care what color it is, or how out of style it is, because we are going to wear that sucker until it's not fit to be donated!

Now, let's get to the scariest part of women and Halloween. If a woman doesn't want a child to celebrate Halloween because they might pick up a demon, she needs to take a long look at her own life. Talk about being demon possessed - any man who has lived with a woman one month or longer knows she is overtaken by a demon named "PMS." Her whole mood and spirit is transformed, and she begins to act in an irrational manner (ever more so than usual). She says and does things that are totally out of character. She is on edge, and bites your head off even if you just say "nice day." Talk about scary and evil!

Where am I going with this? We have a woman who wants to be president. She gets elected. A critical decision concerning declaring war needs to be made. Our woman president happens to be possessed that very moment by the PMS demon.

Think about it - Scary thought, isn't it?

Happy Halloween!


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