Kiss Him Already!
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh, come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?"
"Oh, come on. There's nobody around. They're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh, please, please. I like you so much!"
"No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh, yes you can. Please!"
"No, no. I just can't."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.
In a sleepy voice, the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
The $50 Lesson
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So, I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then, I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homelss guy hangs out and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
The Blonde Pilot
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day ! May Day ! Help me ! Help me ! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me ! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine ! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven..."
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
11 People on a Rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave. Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping....