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Bill Cosby for President
I have decided to become a write-in candidate for president in the year 2012. Here is my platform:
1. Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.
2. We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!
3. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.
4. All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on Southbound aliens.
5. Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
6. Welfare -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.
7. Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The first time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.
8. Crime -- We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
9. One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
10. All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.
11. The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
12. The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes .. nevertheless.... God bless America! Sincerely, Bill Cosby
Difficult Question
A was man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What kind of question?" the neighbor asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'." "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
Fatal Accidents
National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Crap!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
To Feel Like A Woman
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
Materialistic
A London man parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, another car comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his cell phone and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the repair shop it'll simply never be the same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" The Londoner looks down in horror. "Oh crap!" he screams..... "Where's my Rolex?!?"
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