By Ned Hickson
I'm pretty sure what I'm about to tell you is top secret. The reason I say this is because, after hearing the information during a radio broadcast a few days ago, there has been no mention of what undoubtedly could be the greatest dietary discovery since the Fitness Channel.
According to the report, researchers have discovered that you can actually catch "getting fat" from someone.
Now, let me preface the next paragraph by saying that, although I've been known to embellish on occasion, the information that follows is straight from the radio report:
"After obtaining a chicken- sneeze culture and applying it to a rat, researchers noted that, within a given time, the rat gained 20 percent more body fat than normal, concluding that it is possible that obesity is transferable..."
As exciting as that news is, there's really only one question we all want answered:
Does this mean you can catch "getting skinny" from someone?!
If so, considering that most Americans are overweight, skinny folks with a runny nose are going to be making a lot of new friends this winter.
While I agree that this breakthrough should be hailed, it needs to be tempered with some answers to some unsettling questions before we go around snatching up used hankies from anyone with a 30 inch waist.
• If both a fat person and skinny person sneeze in an elevator, do they cancel each other out? Or should they just go ahead and exchange pants right then?
• Since the culture was transferred from a chicken to a rat, does that mean I could catch "getting fat" from my dog?
• Do skinny people possess some kind of anti-obesity molecule in their genes? If so, where do I get a pair?
• If I surround myself with underweight, flu-stricken friends while consuming a Lumberjack Burger and large shake, will I escape the encounter fat-gram-free?
• What if I only want to lose a few pounds? Can I just look for any skinny diner in a restaurant who didn't finish their meal and borrow a fork?
• Suppose my weight fluctuates? Can I get a skinny friend to sneeze in a freezer bag and just thaw out the culture as I need it? And lastly,
• What if I accidentally sneeze into someone's yogurt; will it still be considered low fat?
These are but a few of the questions that need to be answered before the inevitable surge of products like "Sneeze-a-way" and "Flu-agra" hit the shelves.
As I mentioned earlier, I think there has been a deliberate effort -- possibly by the weight-loss industry -- to suppress the information from us.
If I should turn up missing, call 1-800-469 Jenny.
You can write to Ned Hickson at:
The Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, OR 97439.