By Ned Hickson

When our publisher began looking for someone to captain our golf team, it only made sense that he came to me first. That's because, being that I was once a sports editor, I'm naturally a great golfer. Just like I'm a great shot-put thrower, quarterback, point guard, stock-car racer, Extreme skateboarder, freestyle swimmer and calf roper. In fact, I sometimes wonder where I might be today had my sports career not been tragically cut short by my complete lack of talent. This discovery was made as early as first grade, when, during a dodge ball game, I was knocked unconscious and rushed to the nurse's office after being hit by the ball.

Forty-seven times.

(And recess only lasted 10 minutes in those days.)

So, when my publisher asked me to captain our golf team, I of course said yes.

After which I was knocked unconscious by a loose dodge ball in the newsroom.

Okay, that didn't really happen, but I did agree to captain the team, which meant giving myself a crash course on golfing ó beginning with golf terminology. I immediately got online for help and, thanks to the power of the Internet, found myself

on an inappropriate Web site after typing in the first term on my list:
Mixed Foursome.

For anyone else who might be looking to the Internet for golf-term clarifications, I'd also suggest avoiding Scotch Foursome, Shag Bag, and Loose Impediments. While these are all legitimate golfing terms, try explaining that to your wife when she finds doing an Internet search for the term Double-D.

(Which, by the way, means when a driver is used on the fairway after it has also been used to tee off - so THERE, Mrs. Smarty Pants.)

After getting a handle on the game's terminology, the next thing on my list was golf etiquette. I know that for a lot of people, one of the things that keeps them from actually trying golf is the fear of unintentionally doing something that, as a result of not knowing the proper etiquette, gets them clubbed to death by someone with a 9-iron. That's because, to the outside observer, things that seem to warrant a good clubbing are actually no big deal. You want to swing your club and take a six-inch gouge out of an otherwise perfect lawn?

Fine.

Want to drink a beer AND drive an electric go-cart through the woods?

Perfectly acceptable.

However, walk between someone's ball and a small hole in the ground, and there's a good chance you'll be found floating in a water hazard.