by Joel Lawler

The problem isn't that I expect too much of God it is that I expect far too little. I want to play in puddles when He has created an ocean for me.

It is Good Friday. The night my savior gave his life for me.

There were all kinds of people who followed Jesus and each one of them had hopes and dreams resting on him. Some wanted healing. Some wanted peace. Some wanted freedom.

He came to bring so much more.

On this night, the people around him watched their dreams and hopes die a horrific death on the cross. They witnessed their hearts being brutally bludgeoned by Roman guards. Their own eyes saw the life being taken out of their hopes at the end of a whip with shards of broken glass and jagged metal. They stood by as the man that they had gave up everything to follow was ripped apart.

I want healing. My heart was deeply wounded as a child. I struggle to feel. As soon as I start to feel, immediately I go numb. I am fighting to get my heart back. I want to be whole. I want to love deeply and to feel deeply loved. I want my wife to have my whole heart. I want my kids to have a father that is unquestionably and passionately for them. I want my family to know how crazy in love I am with them and that I am so incredibly grateful for them. I fear that my inability to experience emotions leaves those around me feeling like I am cold. I want my heart healed. I want to love well.

Jesus taught that a seed has to die for it to produce life. I have to let go of my desires for anything but God and die to myself in order to find the abundant life that Jesus promised. This life will not look like and be able to be measured by my or anyone else's standards. To quantify it is to seek control. If I am looking for milestones for the life that God is giving me, I am looking to live from my head and not trust with my heart.

God wants more for me than I can even begin to understand.

He has more for me. I know this because he is good. He is not holding out on me. I know there is a reason for everything that I have experienced. He loves me dearly and deeply. I know this to be true. He is the author of my story. He is writing The Story. It is all going to come together for good.

We all come to God with an agenda. It is a part of our humanness. It is also why we fell and broke off our relationship with our Creator.

In order to know God, I cannot try to be God. I have to let go of wanting control no matter how just I believe my cause to be. I have to lay my agenda aside and step towards God in faith.

The people of Jesus's day had their agendas. He was, is and always will be in control. God is not subject to our agenda. He never has nor will he ever be controlled.

On the night of Jesus's death, he was in control. Nothing happened that was not planned. He was neither shocked nor surprised.

The agendas were smashed. Those who loved him, heart's were broken. They were left on Friday night with nothing but questions.

It was Friday night and they were broken and feeling abandoned but Sunday was on the way.


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