The wonder of Wally-World

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I better see a  doctor.""Listen; you don't have to spend that kind of money,"  Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give  it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do  about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper  than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine  sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and  the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into  the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:  "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.  It will improve in two weeks." That evening  while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if  the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample  from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and added a booger to the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to  check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and  awaits the results. Ten seconds later the computer prints the  following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water  softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with  anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.  Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop picking your nose, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for  shopping at Wal-Mart.

Smart people

Since John Kerry was recuperating from his horrific snowboarding accident, he decided to take a quick vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea and crumpets with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks her how does she find out if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the proper questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate. So she phones Tony Blair, puts him on the speaker phone and asks, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. "Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Kerry." "Yes, ma'am" Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his colleagues to the test. He calls the Reverend Al Sharpton and says, "Hello, Al,  I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, John. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" The Reverend hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"  Kerry agrees, and the portly preacher immediately calls members of his "church" and they ponder over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Sharpton calls Condi Rice at the White House and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Rice answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved Sharpton rushes back to call Kerry and exclaims, "I know the answer! I know who it is! It's Condi Rice!" And Kerry replies in disgust "wrong Al, it's Tony Blair!"

Grandpa

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. The son said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."