Victoria Secret

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer  lingerie for his wife. Christmas is a very special time. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.  He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."  So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord!  You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

In Iraq

An Army Ranger Company was operating in Baghdad when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the other side of the road was a young Ranger in similar but less serious state. The Ranger was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Ranger what had happened.
The Ranger reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.
So, I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund" as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws are enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
ME
Best quote

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. 
His answer was classic Schwartzkopf.
The General said,  "I believe that forgiving them is God's function.  Our job is to arrange the meeting."

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL -- PRICELESS

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
The moral of this story.. There are teachers, and then there are Educators
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