"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball
"The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything." - Oscar Wilde
"Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late." - Benjamin Franklin
"Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you." - Ogden Nash
"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." - Mark Twain
"It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness." - Leo Tolstoy
"I'm tired of all the nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr
"He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery." - Harold Wilson
"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble." - Martin Mull
"In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." - Benjamin Franklin
"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets." - Will Rogers
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers." - Mohandas Gandhi
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns
"Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles." - George Eliot
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." - Robert Frost
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." - Albert Einstein
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves." - Will Rogers
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice." - Bill Cosby
"I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians." - Charles De Gaulle
"Politics have no relation to morals." - Niccolo Machiavelli
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!'
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
Things A Dad Would Never Say
"Can you turn up that music?"
"Go ahead and take my truck. Here's 50 bucks for gas."
"I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones."
"Here, you take the remote."
Pop Vs. Pup
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember -- run to Dad first, then the dog."
Get a Haircut
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."