A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The
blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Moral of the Story
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken." "What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah."
Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
The Economy is So Bad...
1) CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
2) Jewish women are marrying for love.
3) Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
4) Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
5) Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
6) McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
7) Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8) A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
9) The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
10) Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
11) People in Africa are donating money for Americans.
12) Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
13) Motel Six won't leave the light on.
14) The Mafia is laying off judges.
15) And finally...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
Let There Be a Bridge
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"