The People News, a free newspaper serving Cleveland Tennessee (TN) and Bradley County Tennessee (Tn).





Of Bradley County Tn.


JUNE  2005

                            The People News, a free newspaper serving Cleveland and Bradley County Tn.

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Confessions of an Auto Mechanic
   
I've never been a fan of auto racing.  Most  people, especially other mechanics and technicians, find that a little  disconcerting and almost unfathomable.  It's a little like finding out your  butcher is a vegetarian,

they say.  Well, yes, that is exactly my  point.  After grinding hamburger all day the butcher might prefer beans for  his supper.  I work on, think about, talk to other people about and write  about automobiles all day long and often into the night.  My most  frequently visited web sites are dedicated to repairing and maintaining  automobiles.  The magazines to which I subscribe are of the same technical  nature.  In my daily world the term performance relates to smooth  idling four cylinder engines, repairing the causes of malfunction indicator  lights and getting the most MPGs.  To the racer performance means  nitro-fueled horsepower, burnouts and flames shooting from headers all of which  are frowned upon features in your average minivan. 

It's not that I don't grasp the concept of  racing.  Let's see, the object is

by J. B. Griffin III.

to go the fastest and cross the finish  line first, right?  Right, right, you might say, but it's the nuances of  the sport that make it interesting.  Well, maybe, or maybe it's the nuances  that keep me away.  Let's take, for example, the average D_ E_ or D_  E_, Jr. fan.  Personally, I don't want to shave a patch of hair out of my  head in the shape of either a 3 or an 8.  My house is not overly small, but  I can scarcely

spare a whole room for the shrine which must inevitably come from  being a fan.  This may sound nutty, but I believe Monday mornings are  meant for working not for some empty-lifers to rag on each other about  Martinsville until lunchtime.  I've known guys who couldn't remember which  end of a car the headlights are on, yet could draw a perfect parallel from  memory between "That crash on turn four in lap 35.  That was just like what  happened to Sterling back in '92 when Davey spun him out at Bristol."  Scary!

I guess another thing that has prejudiced my  opinion is having had the experience of working along side "mechanics" whose  only training ground for the real world of working on other people's  transportation was growing up helping Daddy build cars for the drag-strip.  These types are very enlightening to observe, especially in pairs.  I  know the correct method for installing a distributor, aligning it and  setting the base ignition timing for an engine before the engine is ever  installed in the vehicle.  I know because I went to school to learn the  basic relationship between the two and know how to consult a manual for the  specifics.  Not so with the drag-strip mechanic.  His method usually  involves having one of his buddies attempt to start the vehicle while he  wildly swings the distributor clockwise and counter until the engine coughs to  life.  And a timing light?  "I just advance her till she clatters then  back it off a hair."  At this point the genius is ready to begin adjusting  the hydraulic valve lifters, which time honored procedure requires him to have  the engine running and usually requires a fire extinguisher and  four extra quarts of oil, after which, there is the obligatory spin  around the block with the hood still off.

All in all, I guess I just don't get it, this  racing, but that's OK.  It only means that I have more time to devote the  We Never Went To The Moon Club of America and to the Flat Earth Society.  Until next month, see you on the Art Bell  show!

JB Griffin is an ASE Certified Master Technician.  He owns and  operates JB's Japanese and American Auto Repair in Evensville, Tennessee.  You may e-mail your car questions to jeepster1515@yahoo.com

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