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Scalped
A guy goes into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy goes in again and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looked over at a friend in the shop and said, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill said, "Your house."
Computer problems
From Senator Jeff Miller's newsletter, Miller Minute.
Think you have computer problems? These are excerpts from a Wall Street Journal Article by Jim Carlton.
1) Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press Return key" because of the floods of calls asking where the any key is.
2) AST Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3) Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the disks then rolled them into a typewriter to type the labels.
4) Another AST customer was asked to send in a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived with xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5) A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door of his room.
6) Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the Send key.
7) Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9) A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid ". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10) An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11) Another customer called Compaq tech support to say that her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked. "What power switch?"
Police Advisory
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires of horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
The Seamstress
One day as a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, God appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
God dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" God asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
God again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" God asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
God reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
Is this your thimble?" the God asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
God, pleased with the woman's honesty, gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, God again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"My husband has fallen into the river!" she said.
God went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" God asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
God was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
Moral of the story: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason and in the best interest of others.
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