Y'allbonics

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to seek a grant designating Southern slang, or Y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary.
1) HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
2) HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"
3) BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow". Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
4) JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to Lanner."
5) BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,00 in improvements."
6) MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
7) THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
8) BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a nutter bare."
9) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage:" Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
10) RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
11) ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
12) FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."
13) TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
14) TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
15) RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
16) FAT - (noun and verb) - A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup yuh."
17) RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
18) CHEER - (adverb) - In this place. Usage: "Jest set that bare rat cheer."
19) FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddin't unnerstand a wurd he sed . . . must be from some farn country."
20) DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
21) ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe . . give 'im some are!!"
22) BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that there bob war fence."
23) JEW HERE - (pronoun and verb) - Contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
24) HAZE - (pronoun and verb) - A contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah. . . haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
25) SEED - (verb) - Past tense of "to see." Usage: "I ain't never seed Noo Yawk City."
26) VIEW - (verb and pronoun) - contraction. Usage: "I ain't never seed Noo Yawk City. . . view?"
27) GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys
shore is ignert."

Consultant

It takes two things to be a consultant - gray hair and hemorrhoids. The gray hair makes you look distinguished, and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.