Mommy's Drivers License
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 42.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you weigh 160 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of Tennessee and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish downtown Toronto building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance by Ralph Lauren. $250 an ounce!"
Then, another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, lets one rip really loudly and says, "Broccoli, $.49 a pound!"
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death, tragedy, etc.
"Honey," says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, "I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it."
"No problem, hun," said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
Sam walks into his boss's office.
"Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise."
After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
"By the way", asks the boss as Sam is getting up, "which three companies are after you?"
"The electric company, water company, and phone company", Sam replied.
A Mother's Payback
It was Timmy's 5th birthday and he was joyfully opening all the presents he received. He saved the biggest for last, so it took a while until he got to opening Grandma's present.
"Wow!" Timmy exclaimed in delight, upon seeing the mini drum set that his Grandmother got for him. "Thanks Grandma! This is just what I wanted."
It was after Timmy went to bed that Timmy's mother approached her mother.
"Ma, I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how it used to drive you crazy when we used to play the drums in the house growing up?"
Grandma smiled and then said "Do I remember? Of course I remember!"