The Big Night
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the Boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
How To Stop Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night. You gotta love George!
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
Life Span Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?" So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the fields with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family for this I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other 40?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years But man said ""Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay." said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno."
The pastor said, praise the lord and may your son keep up the good work.