Fishing trip

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long-johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage, hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the entire day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that c**p?"

Retired

Tom was in his early 50's, retired from the Air Force, and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time
Every day -- 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"Well, usually they said, "Good morning, General."

Church Bulletins!

They're back! Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

*The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
*The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
*The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
*Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
*Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
*For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
*Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
*The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
*A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
*At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
*The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
*The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
*This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
*Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
*Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
*The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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