The Old Cow
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.
Nancy Pelosi, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check, you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it was old. "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a wonderful meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy.
"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'"
The man says to the butcher, "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that."
The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there."
The butcher looks up and says "No, sorry."
The man says, "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?"
The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."
How to make sure someone is really dead...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"
Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.
I resolve to work with neglected children...my own.
Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.
I will read the manual...just as soon as I can find it.
Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I'm not in them.
I will think of a password other than "password."
New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Watch less T.V. in standard definition.
Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
Watch more movie remakes.
Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will no longer waste my time reliving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
Drink. Drink some more.
Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.