New Years Eve
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka or whiskey.
New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
If 2012 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.
I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2013.
My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions. That way I succeed at something!
New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"
Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.
I resolve to work with neglected children....my own.
Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.
I will read the manual....just as soon as I can find it.
Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
Stop repeating myself again, and again and again.
I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I'm not in them.
I will think of a password other than "password."
New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Watch less T.V. in standard definition.
Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
Watch more movie remakes.
Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will no longer waste my time reliving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.