Happy New Year To All
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I had to taste at the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber), I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared. The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared. The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, and the way I never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt and prepared once again to do battle with dirt, I said to myself, as only I can, "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So, away with the last of the sour cream dip. Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, 'til all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie. I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome and life is a bore, but isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Acquitted of all Charges
One night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions. The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe. I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder. All of a sudden, I was being spun around hard to my left. "As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No way punk! Your not stealing my pay check and tips." I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!" When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?" The woman replied under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click." The woman was acquitted of all charges. She was back at work, at the cafe, the next day!
Gravely Funny Story
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?' The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?' The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...'My wife's first husband.'
According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.
Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying a couple of extra pounds, raising a family, recent ailments, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting tough. But now I found out what's really happening! I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work. Then, you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that's 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you're left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you're just sitting there reading this! No wonder I'm tired!!!
-Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
-Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
-Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
-Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
-If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
-When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
-It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
-As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Men Are Like...
Men Are Like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men Are Like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men Are Like Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men Are Like Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature.
Men Are Like Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men Are Like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men Are Like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men Are Like Weather. Nothing can be done to change either.