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Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you, Tonto?"
"You're dumber than buffalo. It mean someone stole our tent."
That's my boy
An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW".... one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
Two Muslim Moms
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
Mom says, "He's a martyr now."
"Oh, so sad, my dear."
Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.
"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mom whispers.
"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Hunters
Two Redneck hunters from North Carolina got a pilot to fly them to Wyoming to hunt deer. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can only take four deer.
The two good old boys object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same kind of plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Ray, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
The difference between men and women
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion started to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said "lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?!
I then said, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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