My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Have a date for Valentine's Day? Hope it doesn't end up like these dates.
• He couldn't remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from her mouth.
• He said, "From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I'm glad to see you've got flaws." Then he listed them.
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years--accumulating all his words--before approaching his beloved.
Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates.
A couple of days later, I was checking my messages and discovered one from my ex-husband. "I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don't bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won't work out. That guy is me."
A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver's window and asked, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "You buyin'?"
Safari, So Good
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.
"Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours," argues the first hunter.
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.
Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. "Any idea where we are?"
The first replies, "I'd say we're pretty close to where we crashed last time."
A Second Opinion
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, "Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it."
"Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears," says the shrink. "And I'll charge you only $200 a visit."
Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. "For $200 a visit?" says Lenny. "A bartender cured me for $10."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."
Better Late Than Never
After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she'd been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang--it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. "You're still not ready?"
Time to Get Sophisticated
My wife says I'm unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I'm taking her. Hint: It starts with "B" and rhymes with "wallet."