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Do you Ever Wonder? Wonder why?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their *#@ when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your *#@?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Sensible nonsense
Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and will have their shoes.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason
The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
When I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, "What if I was an ant and she fell on me?" Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
To me boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words,."mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery. .. . . . .and so is mankind.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays it's eggs in my brain, because later I might think I'm having a good idea, but it's just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait....I guess that's like a regular window.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
Answer to a puzzle.
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today." After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together."
The intricacies of language.
The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.--Enjoy. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself, for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido:
All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an *#@ hole.
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