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Intelligence?
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
The Idiots Guide to Computers...
Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
7. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
8. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear that Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid?! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; the ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops when they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows: Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose and had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life, joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion, that making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passed; and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; he just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, but you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, each group of people, every religion; every ethnicity, every hue, everyone, everywhere... even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
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