Going Soon

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "10..." says the doctor. "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately. "9...8...7..."

British speak.

These are genuine clips from British public housing tenant complaint letters.

* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus  growing in it.
* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
* I have had the clerk of works (building inspector) down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

Beautiful?

A husband was coming out of anesthesia after a series of test in a hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil.  Later the husband woke up again and said, "You're cute." "What happened to beautiful?" asked the wife. "The drugs are wearing off," the husband replied.

Cute

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... and He just then did!"

Also cute

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?". "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"