Get Out Of The Car!
This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.
Rejected Hallmark Cards
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
Pray Before Eating
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked..."Then why did you eat him?"