Real 9-1-1 Calls…
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
Men's Essential Guide to Women's English
Yes means no.
No means yes.
Maybe means no.
I'm sorry means, you'll be sorry.
We need means, I want.
It's your decision means, my correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want means, you'll pay for this later.
We need to talk means, I need to complain.
Sure go ahead means, I don't want you to.
I'm not upset means, of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly means, you need a shave and you sweat a lot.
This kitchen is so inconvenient means, I want a new house.
I want new curtains...(add) and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
Do you love me? Take it to mean, I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? Probably means, I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute means, kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate means that you should just agree with me.
Think You're Having a Bad Day?
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11 a.m., Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued, but at that moment a little girl in the audience leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Phrases Of Wisdom
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
7. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
8. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
9. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
10. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
11. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
12. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
13. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
15. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
16. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
18. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
19. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.