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Moral of the story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Granny's Tricks
How many of these did you know about?
A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze.
To remove old wax from a glass candleholder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candleholder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort.
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood.
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new!
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march.
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........ Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
A woman scorned
A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
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