Blue Necks

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. In reality, Rednecks are everywhere, not just the South.

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF...

...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys,"
  even if both of them are women.
...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
...You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the
  road. (e.g., boiled peanuts) .
...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly
...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
...You don't know what a moon pie is.
...You've never had an RC Cola.
...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled
...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
...You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips
...You have no idea what a polecat is.
...You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog
...You don't have bangs.
...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV
  fishing show.
...You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
...You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.
...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show
...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
  university than to pay the salary of the head football coach
...You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
...The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an
  on-ramp to the highway.
....You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
...You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
...You call binoculars opera glasses.
...You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and
  stopping.
...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, 
  Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, 
  Jimmie)
...You don't have Maw-maw's & Pawpaw's.
...You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
...None of your fur coats are homemade

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and drink with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless.
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore -- you're a United States Senator from New York now.